It's been a long time since I've posted my thoughts to unknown people here. Strange, but it seems the most secure way to share my feelings!! Most likely I do refrain myself from doing so, but at times it becomes absolutely to let you people know how full of shit I am... :)
I'm still with TCS. !!!!!, yes I am. After all my luck...thanks to my dear friend about whom I had mentioned in my previous posts. He has been very kind to me by constantly turning things against me. I'm enjoying it now. His frustration compels him to do such things. Although it makes things difficult for me too, but end of the day, it's work that I come here for. But yes, I does hurt sometime when people who have nothing to do get involved. Spoils my tempo ! Well, let's see how far he goes with this and how much can I sustain. Professioanl shit. Once someone told me there are no friends on office, only colleagues. Because she also had tough time dealing with her so called "friends".
I do not completely agree with her over this. We all are selfish people working for position, money...But I've met some guys who do have little traces of morality. But like me, I'm sure their's is also evading, fast!!!! So, another question lies ahead of me, do I want to continue ?
Honestly, unwillingly, still I do !!
I was sent to Bangalore on deputation for 15 days. Now I'm asked to stay here for 2 months. Funny...the way "Big" organisations work, or maybe I'm stuck with one which does not have any rules or regard for it's employee's personal life. Maybe I get irritated too early but it's really hard for me to get along with such uncertainity.
Anyways, Bangalore has a great climate. Awesome, that's what I'll call it. But that's it, nothing else. It's one hell of a costly place and people, especially the labour class people like the most notorious cab drivers are a pain to deal with. These shitholes have no morals at all, all they think is how to rob a guy just because they feel everyone here is a computer guy with a load of a salary. Now who's gonna tell these dumbasses that even if all of us do get it, is it for you f***** !!!!
Anyways, it's also not safe for anyone, especially for women to be out on road after 22.00. Now that sucks, no night life if u'r here for a short time that is you don't have a vehicle of your own. And believe me, even that's a pain during office timings. Bangalore has got a reputation of hosting one of the most nasty traffic conditions in the country.
Hang on....there are great places around Bangalore like Mysore, Ooty, Kurg and on n on. I went to Mysore last weekend. Spent whole day there...all I can say is, it was really worth. Wanted to visit more places, but now I'm rather enjoying working my ass off. That's what I always wanted, hope it takes me towards salvation.
It's my b'day today. Growing older and wiser. Ha, I can say that to keep myself happy. Anyways I've been having a good time since last two months. Two months of rigourous training in SAP. Atleast professional life got some relief. Rains have already started in Mumbai. And it's like hell. I never used to touch anyone except a warm handshake or embracing close friends and loved ones. But here in Mumbai, daily in local trains and city buses.......phewwww. By the time I reach home, I guess I'm stinking with not my own sweat but by the courtesy of hundereds of unknown homo sapiens.
And people love Mumbai like anything. Sometime back I felt this nothing more than pure regionalism, but now I had realized Mumbai is a city of dreams. It's like a living entity which gives you atleast something or the other. As for me, I came here first to appear for an interview with TCS, where I'm working currently. Next, again I was posted here after training. Although it's highly "non-hygienic" conditions are a turn-off, but end of the day the only time I live in "real" Mumbai is when I travel for 3-3.5 hrs. My home is as clean and tidy as my office is. Thanks to my room parter....a buddy. It's always great to live with people who atleast share some common habits.
Since I no longer look as my former self in my own eyes, its only fair I remove my earlier indulgence.
I never tried to find a Government job. I knew the favoritisms and boot-licking policy followed there. So, instead I joined a private organisation. Fate, it seems has a cruel way to decide your destiny no matter how hard you try. So, now I am here, trying fuckingly hard to get into a project or any kind of training.
Today I learnt about a colleague, who had a similar problem. We used to sit together in lunch hour discussing what's going on. I used to tell him all about what I am learning. Funny, he used that knowledge to ask his Uncle, who happens to be in same organisation, to "recommend" him to the training programme for which I've been trying for more than a month. And guess what, he finally made it.
Seems like he worked harder.
As for me, I've been trying to put myself there. Calling people, mailing them my request, bla bla bla. Well, I certainly don't know what coming up, like most of us. But, here in this place, honest efforts are not acknowledged unless you have some recommendations with you. But as I've always done, I'll definitely fuck all the shitheads at last. I will.
Burning eyes and numb fingers
My eyes are burning as though I haven't managed to blink for past so many hours. Considering the fact that I slept for more than eight hours last night, this seems baffling. But that's me, always creating problems, all for myself.
I've been on bench for the last two complete months. Today finally when I seeked something out of my account manager, I was told they cannot release me from this office because they are anticipating some manpower requirements in the near future. And guess what, that was said to me a month ago too. Queer, things have a peculiar way to turnup again. Specially the nasty ones. As for me, I'm tired of bullshiting around.
This has been the longest vacation of my life so far. I placate myself into believing that I'm enjoying myself, but the truth is that this is the darkest period of my life. I never told anyone, but now I'll mention it. I had the worst tragedy of my life, just twenty days before I began my professional career. Funny, I began with a feeling that I had been responsible for this tragedy caused to me and my left over family. And now, I even cannot regret it. My hands are numb while typing this. Now I have no one to speak to, so I'm writing this down even when these numb, lean pieces of bones and flesh sticking out of my hands betray me. Sincerely I hope this pain never ever wears out, as I truly deserve it. I wish it continues for as long as I'm here. Sometimes more pain helps you cope up with the minor quantity, and further more, it over takes you, finally when it's your time to apologise and rest in peace.
It's been a long life. I can say that at the age of almost 22. Once my close pal asked me, how long would I like to live? I said maybe 50, even less. He was astonished. A guy 20 yr old wanna live till he gets 50. He told "Maybe because you've been having bad times for a long time".
I didn't reply then. But now I feel I do not want to live further once I've made my mark, once I've fulfilled my duties to my family. I might sound pessimist, but I'm not. I look forward for a bright career until I die. I do not belive in spirituality or any of that shit. But I do believe that there is something or someone who looks upon us, and that, a eternal sleep presented by him or it , could induce upon me a longness for rest, because right here, I'm not getting it.
Again, to my stupidness I will mention that I am weak. I mean, I maybe. Because I'm relying upon someone or something to take control of my own god damn life. Funny, my room partner says that I'm the biggest psycho he has ever met, and that I think too much. This might be the reason why I have all these weird thoughts, but unfortunately, I can't resist them.
